Season 38 Episode 1: Oil Hunks 20

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Zach Altovito exceeds every casting requirement that may be expected of someone vying to play a certain Cimmerian. Massive and hairy all over, this muscle god projects the perfect image of the invincible barbarian. In contrast, well-groomed and totally shredded muscle hunk Bradley Barnes displays the ultimate ideal of the modern man. Where Zach is a straight shooter, black and white, matter of fact, Brad explores every possibility, seeking refinement in ultimate potentiality. Brad asks questions, ready to supply answers that reflect back on his immaculate state of being. Barnes explores the possibility that Altovito’s monster frame, though doubtless capable of powerful action, is scarcely able to withstand a lengthy bout, should Zach’s endurance be put to the test. 

 

Vocalizing this sentiment, Brad marches up to Altovito, implementing his designs of putting Zach’s endurance to the test. Altovito, annoyed but assured, responds quickly to Brad’s provocations. “You’re not going to beat me in strength,” he says and means. Barnes patiently exercises his gift of gab on Zach, gradually, effortlessly, roping the big man into a series of strength contests; arm wrestling, pushups, (Zach performs about 50 without so much as a deep breath) and lastly, a grip strength finger-lacing duel, broken solely by the cry, ‘mercy!’

 

When contented with enormous Altovito’s output, cunning Brad reaps the seeds sown, a harvest that leads the big man into the end-game. As is often the case, the most expedient manner in settling a dispute between two massive men with even more massive egos, resides in the timeless proving grounds of the sacrosanct wrestling ring. A fact observed by Brad, who casting the bait, reels the shark in, as Zach agrees to get it on. And like the manner of renowned gladiators, where the contest is elevated by stakes, in this colosseum, the price of glory is won with sweat and crowned by oil.

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